Having the right attitude in your marriage with kids is the essential foundation you need to apply any practical tips and tricks for a successful relationship. If you’re a mom who’s marriage has suffered after having kids but you’re ready to get back the happy marriage you want and deserve, this is the best place to start.

In this post, you will learn how to achieve a mindset that will help you overcome negativity in your marriage, have more empathy for your husband, and be open to a joyous and loving relationship again, even when you’re busy with little kids!

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Why attitude in marriage with kids is so important

Your attitude affects how you interpret the world around you and how others interpret you. It’s how you perceive and handle all of the things in your life coming at you, and when you’re a married mom, things come at you from every direction all the time.

Depending on your attitude, your husband losing his keys for the 100th time this week could send you into a blind rage, filling your head with insults and questions about how competent he is as an adult human being. Or you could laugh it off, let him deal with the consequences of his unorganized behavior on his own, and go about your day. Same situation, two different attitudes.

As a mom, your attitude sets the tone for the entire family dynamic. And as a wife, your attitude sets the tone for your marriage. Your loved ones instantly pick up on your vibes depending on what attitude you have, and your actions towards them are defined by your attitude.

When your marriage is struggling and you are busy being a parent, it is therefore essential that you have a constructive attitude that allows you to handle the chaos, put off good vibes, and take the necessary positive actions to push your marriage in a better direction.

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What is considered a “constructive” attitude?

A constructive attitude in marriage is a way of thinking that allows you to approach revitalizing your marriage in a positive way. It is a belief system that puts you in the best position to improve your marriage with perspective, compassion, and strength.

When we define a constructive attitude in your marriage with kids, there are a few elements in particular that are great baselines to have:

• You believe that you have the power to bring more love into your marriage
• You believe that your husband is the same good person you married, even after becoming parents
• You believe that your marriage is worth prioritizing
• You think positive thoughts about your husband and your marriage
• You think of yourself and your husband as a team in parenthood and marriage

If this all sounds a little mushy and romanticized, that’s because you don’t have a constructive attitude yet!

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Common bad attitude thoughts in your marriage with kids

I know it all sounds a little corny when you’re in the midst of a less than optimal marriage, but the points above are truly how you should and how you WILL feel about your marriage the more you make an effort to get into the right attitude.

There are, however, some common things that we moms tend to think or believe about our married life with kids that we have to overcome before we get on the right track. Here are some common thoughts for moms that can be major roadblocks for achieving the happy marriage mindset:

“This is just a bad patch in my marriage because we are new parents – it will pass on its own.”

Parenting is HARD and it’s even harder when you and your husband aren’t working together as a team. Don’t spend the first years of your kids’ lives arguing, growing apart, or living unhappily. These years with your small children are precious and with just a few small steps, you can have a great marriage and a happy family life. Change your attitude, girl!

“My husband isn’t making any effort to fix the marriage so neither will I.”

Not stepping up and letting your marriage fall apart is an active choice that is as much on your shoulders as his. Take the first step and love yourself for doing it as you reap the benefits of a happy marriage after. Change your attitude, girl!

“I’m just not in love anymore.”

Passionate all-encompassing “in love” feelings melt with time – it’s scientifically proven. Until you’ve made an active effort to connect to your husband by laughing together, learning to speak each other’s love languages, and finding balance in your roles as parents, you can’t truly say that you don’t “love” him anymore. Change your attitude, girl!

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Ways to achieve a constructive attitude in your marriage

Changing your mindset doesn’t happen overnight. It requires a commitment to understanding how love changes over time, training your brain to focus on the good, and, quite honestly, dismissing some pride to make way for positive change.

Achieving the constructive attitude in your marriage with kids lays the necessary foundation to continue your journey to reviving your happy marriage. The steps below are essential for helping you develop the belief system and ways of thinking that are required to be successful on your journey.

Believe that your marriage is worth fighting for

You won’t succeed at changing your attitude if you don’t fundamentally believe that your marriage is worth saving.

You have to trust that your husband is the same man that you married who is trying to navigate this whole parenting thing just like you.

You have to believe that love flourishes when you make an effort, and that making an effort doesn’t have to be difficult.

You have to know that your life and your kids’ lives will be better if you and your husband are in a happy relationship with joy and laughter.

Once you can accept that your marriage is worthy of the your efforts to improve it, you can begin to change your attitude to make it happen.

Read the article “YES! Why Your Marriage is Worth Fighting For After Having Kids” to learn more.

Set realistic expectations for your marriage after having kids

Your marriage after having kids is NOT the same as your marriage before having kids. You have to be willing to accept that fact and be open to learning how to make your “new marriage” as great, albeit different, than your marriage when it was just the two of you.

When you set unrealistic expectations for your marriage, you set yourself up for disappointment, which will inevitably impact your attitude in your marriage.

If you can set realistic expectations for your new marriage, however (like, for example, that date night might have to be done from your living room rather than a movie theater or bowling alley), your attitude towards your marriage is going to drastically and naturally improve.

Read the article “Setting Realistic Expectations for Your Marriage After Having Kids” to learn more.

Understand core relationship concepts

There are some key concepts from experts in the field of relationships and marriage that are worth understanding for any mom and wife who want to have the best attitude possible when approaching their marriages.

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Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

Author John Gray describes some essential differences between the behaviors of men and women in relationships and why we sometimes find ourselves as polar opposites.

Understanding and respecting these differences is essential if you want to avoid conflict with your husband, but also accepting these differences is part of having a constructive attitude in your marriage.

Read the article “Men Are From Mars Summary – Concepts Every Momwife Needs to Understand” to learn more.

The 5 Love Languages

Author Gary Chapman is famous for his concept of the “love languages,” which are ways in which we show and interpret love from our partners. There are other aspects of Chapman’s theory that are vital to understanding and accepting in order to have a constructive attitude in marriage as well.

1. Being “in love” inevitably fades while “love” endures (if we work for it).
2. We all have “love tanks” that need to be filled and that we need to fill for our partners.
3. We all interpret love in our own unique “love language.”

Read the article “Emotional Love Tanks: The Secrets to Happy Marriages for Busy Moms” to learn more.

Speak each other’s “parenting love language”

In addition to Chapman’s love languages concept, I argue that there are two dominating love languages that take over for every man and every woman during the early years of parenthood.

For men, the parenting love language is sex.

For women, the parenting love language is domestic help.

Being in the right attitude to understand your husband’s parenting love language and show him that you love him in that way is going to make all the difference in your marriage. And the more you show him love in his language, the more responsive he is going to be to showing you in yours.

Read the article “Love Languages for Parents: The Keys to a Happy Married Life With Kids” to learn more.

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Train your brain to think positively

When you have a positive attitude and can reframe any situation into something good, you are far more likely to achieve a happy marriage. However learning to think positively requires some brain training to make it a natural habit.

Be aware of your negative thoughts as they pop into your head (perhaps you just caught yourself calling your husband a “moron” for doing something silly) and reframe that negativity into something positive or put yourself in your husband’s shoes and focus on feeling compassion.

With a little active thought, gratitude, and practice, you will be well on your way to having a positive mindset!

Read the article “Why Positive Thinking in Marriage is a Game Changer for Moms” to learn more.

Forget your pride and take the first step

Sometimes when you have a negative attitude, it can feel unfair that you, an already busy and maxxed out mom, should have to be the one to take the first step to fix your marriage. Your husband could just as easily step up and take over.

He could, but if he hasn’t already he probably isn’t going to. Fair or not, you need to make a decision about if your pride is more important to you than saving your marriage.

If you can get over the unfairness of it and approach the situation with an attitude that you are a super hero, you will be successful at moving your marriage in the right direction.

Read the article “Forget Fair – Be Your Marriage Superhero!” to learn more.

Pay attention to resentment building and stop it in its tracks

Resentment towards your husband is unfortunately very common in marriages with kids. It is that anger and sense of injustice we have deep down that builds and builds silently over time when you feel like you are contributing more in your home and family than your husband is.

Identifying, acknowledging, and overcoming resentment in your relationship are all going to be possible when you approach it with a constructive attitude.

Rather than letting it burn a hole inside of you that becomes more and more difficult to extinguish, you’re going to be able to use your positive thinking (coupled with some practical skills in balancing your workload) to stop the ashes from ever catching fire.

Read the article “Causes of Resentment For Parent Couples (And How to Fix Them!)” to learn more.

Think of your marriage like a team sport

A great way to have a constructive attitude in marriage is to think of you and your spouse as a team.

Using sports metaphors to prevent yourselves from keeping score against each other but rather working together towards a common goal is going to prevent a lot of resentment and negativity in your marriage.

Read the article “Marriage Is a Team Sport When You Have Kids” to learn more.

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Put yourself in your husband’s shoes and gain self-awareness

Nothing can help you get in a positive mindset and build a good attitude like getting a little perspective. Reflecting on yourself from your husband’s point of view is going to give you an invaluable insight into how your actions and attitude impact your marriage.

Ask yourself some serious questions about whether you are the wife that you or your husband wants you to be. You may not like your answers, but putting yourself in your husband’s shoes will give you empathy and compassion that make working towards a better marriage a much easier process.

Read the article “Self-Awareness for Moms in Struggling Marriages” to learn more.

Embrace your differences and natural balance

Respecting your husband’s differences and learning to embrace them are vital for a constructive attitude in marriage.

As a mom, you may feel like your husband doesn’t naturally notice mess around the house or get as overwhelmed by the huge list of chores like you do.

When you have a bad attitude, you tend to view him as a lazy bum and put more pressure on yourself to get everything done.

With a positive attitude, you accept that your husband is your natural balancing force, reminding you that sometimes it’s OK to let go and relax.

Learn to see your partner as the person who balances and grounds you, reflecting traits back at you that you might not naturally possess yourself. The more you do, the more you appreciate and respect your husband, and the more your marriage flourishes.

Read the article “Embracing The Differences: Your Husband As Your Balancing Force in Parenthood” to learn more.

Focus on what you can change

When you have a bad attitude in your marriage, you tend to try to change your partner. Using constructive criticism, unsolicited advice, or lecturing with logic, you try to convince him to do or be something different. Unfortunately this only drives your husband further way.

With a constructive attitude, however, you know that there is only one thing you can change: yourself. By altering your behaviors and mindset, you can bring the good change to those around you that you want to see.

Don’t waste your limited mom energy on trying to change things that you can’t only to worsen the problem in the meantime. Focus on changing YOU and watch the magic unfold in your marriage and life with kids.

Read the article “Wisdom in Your Marriage With Kids: Focusing on What You Can Change” to learn more.

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Let’s get in the right state of mind!

Are you ready, mama?

Don’t spend another day waiting for your marriage to magically get better as your kids grow older and you and your husband grow further apart. Take charge of your life and get the marriage you want and deserve!

Get that constructive attitude started!

About me

Hi, I’m Bailee! I am a mom just like you who, after having my second baby, was struggling BIG TIME to cope with motherhood and marriage. Divorce seemed like the inevitable option until I decided to fight for the family life that I truly wanted.

I challenged my husband to give our marriage one more go and was able to pull us out of the abyss. With a change in my mindset and some other handy tools and tricks along the way, I brought us back into the light of a happy marriage with kids.

Now I am here now to help you do the same! Are you ready, mama? Learn more.