When your marriage is in turmoil after having kids, you may reach a point where you ask yourself if you even want to be married to your husband anymore. Learn why you shouldn’t give up!

Is fixing my marriage worth the effort?

When you are a new mom, the weight of responsibility and changing dynamics in your life can make enjoying your marriage a struggle. The man you once knew and loved seems to have disappeared and in his place is this stranger who you just can’t seem to get in sync with. With all of this change and overwhelm, you may find yourself asking “is my marriage worth my time and effort?”

I’m going to tell you right here and now that YES IT IS!

But I totally get why you may think otherwise sometimes. I definitely did, too.

Let’s walk through the reasons why you may think fighting for your marriage is a lost cause (I bet I can hit the nail on the head) and why all of those reasons are bogus. I repeat, your marriage is worth working for and I’m going to help you see why.

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Reasons why you might be thinking that working on your marriage isn’t worth the effort

Ugh working on your marriage. What a drag. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Trust me, mama, I had every single one of these thoughts at one point in the early days of my struggling marriage. I know how you feel right now.

How many of these can you relate to?

It’s just a phase every mom goes through – it will pass.

Ask any of your girlfriends with kids about the state of their marriages after having kids and all of them will probably tell you the same thing: it’s totally normal and it will pass with time.

Basically they imply that you should just suck it up – the feeling of constant stress and resentment or disconnection toward your husband – and let the years roll by because you will magically hit a day down the road where things are just better.

While this would indeed sound like an easy way to handle the difficulties in your marriage – just wait it out – the fact is that those YEARS of your life are going to drag on and on with you feeling burnt out, angry, and alone. There’s nothing easy about that.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard or read that the period in your marriage after having a baby is something to be just be endured. I’m here to tell you that there is a better way!

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I’m already doing too much – I can’t handle fixing my relationship.

Mama, I have no doubt that you are doing waaaay too much!

All of us new moms are drowning in responsibility with kids and homes and jobs and friendships, all of which fight for our limited attention and energy.

And then you’re supposed to have to worry about your marriage on top of that? No way, José.

You and your husband signed up for “in good times and in bad times” so it’s OK that you prioritize other things and let your marriage coast in the meantime – it’s just a bad time that it has to get through.

I totally get it that you’re overwhelmed and tired and stressed and that having to put in any more effort than you already are is like asking an ant to carry a bowling ball.

But I’m going to challenge you to take tiny actions that are going to have big impacts on your happiness in your marriage and ultimately make it so that you are less overwhelmed, tired, and stressed.

In fact, when you make your marriage your top priority, even for just a few minutes a day, I can guarantee that you will begin to enjoy more teamwork, relaxation, and joy. It’s worth it!

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Your love is strong enough to endure the hard times.

We marry the man of our dreams and we have an amazing romance. Our husbands are our absolute best friends and partners in crime. Nothing can take down that amazing bond you have or chip away at that bubble of love that surrounds the two of you.

Baby: challenge accepted.

Time and increasing amounts of change in the dynamics of your relationship are going to poke holes in your love bubble unless you are actively working to keep your love alive.

Yes, the man that you married and the man that you love with all of your heart is still there. But the cloud of fog that comes with exhaustion, resentment, and crushing responsibility in parenthood can make him and the happiness in your marriage hard to see.

You cannot take your love for granted and rest on the fact that it is going to save your marriage – the other forces that be trying to destroy it are too strong.

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I don’t feel in love with my husband anymore.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, you may think that there is no love at all left in your relationship. What’s the point in trying to save a marriage when all of the love is drained out anyway?

You look at your husband every day and all you can think is “this (insert your favorite derogatory name here) is NOT the man I married.” He is lazy. He doesn’t get you. Every little thing he does sets you on edge.

Why on earth would you want to invest anything more of yourself for this man?

Having doubts about your love when you are so deep in resentment mode is totally natural. You’ve both been thrust into one of life’s hardest transitions and this is the first time your “true colors” come shining through. You may not like what you see.

The man that you love is still in there, though, he’s just struggling trying to find the balance between that guy and his new role as dad. Certainly if you are being honest with yourself, you are also in the process of finding the right balance between yourself and motherhood, right?

Don’t give up on your partner or your love just yet. I can help you find both of them again!

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Why fighting for your marriage is worth it

Your marriage ROCKS.

Maybe it’s hard to see through the fog right now, but behind the layer of resentment and tension and stress that may be your marriage right now, there is a stronger marriage waiting to blossom.

I know that’s super corny. I almost threw up myself. BUT, I really mean it.

If you can put in the small amount of effort that it takes to nurse and strengthen your marriage during this hard period after becoming parents, you’re going to have a marriage that can survive anything on the other side. And not just survive, but thrive with love and happiness.

Need more convincing? Check out these reasons why your marriage is worth fighting for.

Butterflies fade but the love stays.

If you feel like you just aren’t in love anymore, let me tell you that you firstly need to redefine “in love” in your long-term relationship. If what you expect is passion and butterflies and romantic long walks on the beach then yeah, you probably aren’t “in love” anymore.

And you know what?

No one is.

Those feelings fade over time no matter what.

What happens to every long-term couple is that those crazy passionate feelings morph into intimacy. Your husband becomes your life partner, your teammate, your best friend forever. You need to re-ask yourself if you still love your husband, not if you are in love with him (learn more here about the difference between love and in love).

Chances are that when you redefine love and understand that it changes over time, you’ll find that there actually still is a lot of love left in your relationship. And, even more good news, you can take small actions to have bursts of butterflies here and there in your marriage.

Working on your marriage is therefore going to help you re-establish a deeper connection with the man that you love so you never have to doubt your feelings again.

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You don’t want to spend the first years of your kids’ lives miserable.

To those ladies who tell you that the “roommate phase” is just something normal that every woman has to suck up in her marriage after kids I say “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!”

Struggling in your marriage after having kids is normal. But just accepting the struggle and suffering through it for potentially YEARS is just crazy.

You don’t get these years back, Mama! Do you want to spend them seething with hatred towards your husband, feeling burnt out, or otherwise just living in misery?

You don’t have to!

You can and you should feel like your husband is your teammate, best friend, and love of your life, even after becoming parents. All it takes are some simple action steps and the belief that you deserve to be happy in your marriage with kids, not just in survival mode.

Have that cake and eat it, too!

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You teach your kids about relationships from your marriage.

Everything your children know about relationships they learn from watching you.

If you and your partner are constantly clashing, fighting, avoiding each other, being passive aggressive, etc., your kids are going to pick up on every nuance and their interpersonal skills are going to be impacted.

Prioritizing your marriage and making active efforts every day to strengthen it is going to pay off not only for you and your husband, but for your kids as well. They will learn how to solve problems constructively, show love, and just generally be happy in a relationship.

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You don’t want to risk that you won’t get back on track.

Yes, your marriage might get better as your children get older and you both naturally just adjust to your roles as parents. But what if it doesn’t?

Imagine if you just keep coasting the way you are now. Are you 100% sure that you are going to have any connection left with your partner after what could be YEARS of living the way you are now? Are you going to be able to talk and laugh and have fun together or is the resentment just going to build to a point where there is no return?

Is it worth it to find out? To take the risk?

Making small adjustments in your marriage now has big impacts that are going to ensure that you and your partner make it out on the other side.

The baby/toddler years still might be difficult ones but if you can enjoy them together rather than just surviving them together, chances are your marriage is going to be stronger than ever on the other end, not in desperate need of some TLC or damaged beyond repair.

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The man you love is still in there.

You fell in love and committed to a life with your husband. That guy who won your heart and who you ultimately chose to create new life with. That guy who was supposed to be your lifelong best friend with benefits.

Your husband is still that guy!

He’s just learning how to navigate this new thing called fatherhood and figuring out how to manage the new dynamics of your relationship. It may take him a while to fine-tune the dials and recalibrate so that the man you married emerges again.

Wouldn’t it be a shame if you gave up on him – that person you agreed to spend the rest of your life with – before he had a full shot at getting things together? Before you both had made a real effort to find the balance in your lives and marriage?

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The grass isn’t always greener.

The thought of ditching your slacker husband and starting a new whirlwind romance with a prince charming may swirl through your brain every now and then when your relationship is struggling.

But the truth of it is that ending your marriage in the hopes of finding someone better could have some unintended consequences.

For one, you’ll be a single parent, which means you’ll be on your own parenting even more than you feel you are now, plus you’ll have to still navigate co-parenting with your now ex-husband.

Your dating pool will be limited to men who are accepting of your children.

Some traits that piss you off about your husband are likely traits that are characteristic of men in general (just refer to Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus).

If ultimately your marriage does fail after your dedicated attempts to repair it (which is highly unlikely!) then of course there is always hope that you will find a new Mr. Right.

Just be sure not to throw in the towel on your current marriage thinking that the easier route is finding a new man without his own share of baggage. There’s nothing easy about it.

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Working on it doesn’t have to be work – in fact it can be fun!

Putting in effort to change your marriage actually doesn’t have to be that hard, especially when you have Dating in Captivity at your service!

The best way you can revive your marriage after having kids is to have more fun, relax, and practice getting back in the swing of things with your sex life. All of these things might feel a little foreign in your life as a mom and getting them back takes a little conscious prioritizing, but they are not hard to achieve.

And every bit of effort that you put in comes back to you tenfold in happiness, stress relief, and connection with your husband. If that’s not worth a little investment of time and energy, I don’t know what is!

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Time to start the fight!

Are you ready, mama?

Don’t spend another day waiting for your marriage to magically get better as your kids grow older and you and your husband grow further apart. Take charge of your life and get the marriage you want and deserve.

Begin the fight to take back the marriage you deserve today!

This article is part of the series How to Revive Your Marriage After Kids Fundamental 1: Have a Constructive Attitude.

About me

Hi, I’m Bailee! I am a mom just like you who, after having my second baby, was struggling BIG TIME to cope with motherhood and marriage. Divorce seemed like the inevitable option until I decided to fight for the family life that I truly wanted.

I challenged my husband to give our marriage one more go and was able to pull us out of the abyss. With a change in my mindset and some other handy tools and tricks along the way, I brought us back into the light of a happy marriage with kids.

Now I am here now to help you do the same! Are you ready, mama? Learn more.