Learn to appreciate the different viewpoints your husband brings to the relationship and how this can serve as your natural balance. This article is for moms like you in struggling marriages who are ready to gain some perspective and think more positively about your husband. Let’s go!

The yin to your yang

When your relationship is struggling after having children, your husband can quickly become the bane of your existence. Where once you used to do everything together as an in-sync team, you now seem to be polar opposites of each other.

If you want to clean, he wants to rest. If you want to rest, he wants to have sex. You are both just “off” no matter what you do.

But maybe that isn’t such a bad thing?

Maybe instead of pushing against each other and getting aggravated by the push, you could embrace that you are actually pulling each other back towards the middle – AKA that happy sweet spot where the house is passably clean, everyone is in good spirits, and life can function without tears, fights, or resentment.

Let’s take a deep dive in and then you can be the judge of whether your contrary husband isn’t actually just the necessary yin to your yang.

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Opposites attract, or do they?

We’ve all heard the saying that “opposites attract” but what about when opposites start to repel each other?

When your marriage is struggling after having kids, it may feel more like all of those quirks that made your husband different and lovable before are starting to actually get on your very last nerve. You may even find yourself questioning if your differences make you incompatible partners.

Do not fear!

Yes, it may feel like your differences cause more harm than good when you aren’t in a constructive marriage mindset, but with a little tweak to our thinking, it is possible to attract back to your opposite.

I call this “balancing forces.”

What does “balancing force” mean?

I want you to start thinking of your partner as your natural “balancing force.” He is the person that grounds you and brings you back to normal life when motherhood starts pulling you away into stress land.

Both you and your husband have sets of skills and personality traits that the other needs in order to find a happy and balanced life together. If you don’t allow your husband to act as your balance, you may find yourself getting out of whack – AKA feeling overwhelmed, resentful, angry, etc.

When you work together to balance each other out, you find a comfortable compromise that makes you both happy.

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Examples of how you can embrace the differences

Let’s take a look of some examples of how changing your mindset and appreciating your husband as your balancing force can work in practice.

Your husband as your reminder to stop working

When you are feeling flooded with extreme rage over the fact that your husband can come home from work and plop himself in front of the TV rather than helping out with dinner or folding the laundry, take two seconds to reflect before you explode.

Your first natural thought is probably: “This isn’t fair! I’m exhausted and he should be helping out around the house equally!” You may even add a “that lazy bum!” in there for emphasis.

And that thought is totally valid (maybe not the bum part).

If you take you thought one step further and add a little self-reflection, you may also think: “I wish I could just sit on the couch and relax instead of do all of these things.”

There it is.

In this scenario if you see your husband as your balancing force, you may begin to see him as your living, breathing reminder that you need to take a break and relax rather than just a lazy bum loafing on your couch.

That’s not to say that your husband shouldn’t help out. He should.

But maybe it’s OK that laundry doesn’t get done today, and, if your husband agrees to help a bit with dinner, you both can relax together after.

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Your husband as the fun coordinator

Imagine that you are preparing dinner and your kids are all over you whining about wanting a snack and so-in-so stole my toy and mommy mommy play with me. . .

You are at a breaking point of overwhelm and snap at your kids to please for the love of all that is holy to leave you alone so the spaghetti water doesn’t boil over. No they can’t have a snack – you’re making dinner! So-and-so didn’t steal your toy – you left it over there!

And now you have crying children begging you to pick them up or pointing at you and telling you “you’re a mean mommy!”

Then in walks your husband and says “hey kids, let’s play (insert whatever noisy game here)!” Yay! The tears are dried and Dad is the best in the whole wide world.

You may initially think: “He’s always the fun dad. It’s easy to be fun when you aren’t busy doing all this other stuff.”

Or, if you see your partner as your balancing force, you might be grateful to him for removing the kids from you so you could have a minute to reflect that maybe having fun is a viable solution to defusing the nearly exploding mom bomb.

Maybe you then ask your kids if they’re interested in tasting some spaghetti “worms” or you turn on some music and see who wants to do karaoke while you make the dinner so you can play too while you cook. The kids can help daddy set the table while they sing.

Ah, balance restored.

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Your husband as the sex initiator

For many women with kids, the idea of having sex can be pretty “meh.” A little me-time and a good night’s sleep are a bit more what we would like to have on the menu for the evening.

So when your husband initiates sex you think “Ugh alright. If I have to!”

And it takes a few minutes to get out of your own head and then the whole show ends up actually being pretty fun. You feel a closeness with your husband and he is a happy, willing-to-help clam for the following hours (if not days).

It’s just getting over the initial hurdle of WANTING to have sex that is actually the hard part (I could insert a bad dirty joke here but I’ll let you imagine on your own).

That is where your husband steps in as your balancing force again. He’s the kick in the butt you sometimes need to remember that sex is actually a fun way to connect that makes you a stronger and happier couple.

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How you balance your husband without being a bore

Now I am absolutely not saying that your husband is always right and you should just let him get away with all of his behaviors no questions asked.

Every force needs its balance, and you are his.

It’s not OK that he doesn’t help out around the house or that he takes off with his friends every evening to leave you alone with the kids. Given the option without any force balancing and that would probably be his choice.

But, just like he grounds you and brings you back to reality sometimes, so too must you for him.

Lean into the fun

Our men pull us in the direction of fun and sex and relaxation, and we pull them towards chores and responsibility and planning. Sometimes this can make us women feel like the “adult” in the relationship or the fun police.

Legit concern.

Just because you are a mom doesn’t mean you want to act like his mom!

He’s no dummy – he knows all of that responsibility stuff has to get taken care of whether he likes it or not. He might grumble about it, but he knows that you mean well for your home and family.

And when you accept his forces pulling you towards having more fun (rather than resisting them), he isn’t going to think of you like a bad cop. You can have more fun together with your husband by making chores more fun to do together, having sexy time, or spending time trying new things together after the kids are put to bed, for example.

As long as he feels like you are his best friend and his loving spouse in other ways, he’ll get over that sometimes your force balances him towards the practical side.

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Let’s get balanced!

Are you ready, mama?

Don’t spend another day waiting for your marriage to magically get better as your kids grow older and you and your husband grow further apart. Take charge of your life and get the marriage you want and deserve.

Get those forces balanced today!

This article is part of the series How to Revive Your Marriage After Kids Fundamental 1: Have a Constructive Attitude.

About me

Hi, I’m Bailee! I am a mom just like you who, after having my second baby, was struggling BIG TIME to cope with motherhood and marriage. Divorce seemed like the inevitable option until I decided to fight for the family life that I truly wanted.

I challenged my husband to give our marriage one more go and was able to pull us out of the abyss. With a change in my mindset and some other handy tools and tricks along the way, I brought us back into the light of a happy marriage with kids.

Now I am here now to help you do the same! Are you ready, mama? Learn more.