You must use your wisdom to accept what you cannot change in your marriage when you have children and focus instead on what you can change – yourself. This will have the most successful impact on your happiness without wasting effort or precious energy. Read more below!

You cannot change your husband

Women naturally like to improve things.

We are always on the hunt for how we can do things better, faster, more easily.

So when it comes to our husbands, we sometimes get caught up in the project of fixing him. A little tweak here and there would do him some good.

And it would be so much easier for everyone if he would just let you mold him into the perfect specimen that would be the dad and husband of your dreams, anticipating and meeting your every need. Just let me change you, dammit!

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Unfortunately this isn’t how reality works – you cannot (nor should you) change your husband.

The only outcome (which you might already be experiencing in your marriage) is that he will pull further and further away the more you try.

Nagging, giving unsolicited advice, offering constructive criticism, manipulating, lecturing him with an endless stream of logic – however you look at it, there is no good way to change your husband that brings you closer together in your marriage.

It just isn’t the solution to your your marital woes.

Focus on the thing you can change – YOU.

The real solution to reviving your marriage and getting your husband to step up as the man of your dreams is to turn your focus back towards what you can change: yourself.

You have the power to change your way of thinking and your actions, which in turn are going to change the dynamic of your marriage and influence your husband to do the same.

Ultimately you are going to get the same results that you intended when you tried to change your husband – your marriage is going to be filled with more joy, your husband is going to help out more, and you are going to feel more in love.

You are just going to do it in an effective way that doesn’t drive your husband further away in the attempt. You’re going to find things in yourself that you can tweak with minimal effort or energy that are going to make huge differences in your married life with kids.

You’re going to be the change you want to see in your world.

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The Serenity Prayer for your marriage after having kids

Let’s start this journey of change by letting this amazing message sink in (forget that it’s a prayer if that’s not your thing – it’s the message we are after here).

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference

If that isn’t worthy of hanging on your bathroom mirror for you to read and remember every day, I don’t know what is.

But let’s break this down in terms of your struggling marriage.

Accept the things you cannot change

Let’s walk through a list of things you cannot change in your marriage with kids. Don’t worry if this seems a little depressing to begin with – we’re going to find better solutions later on!

Things you cannot change:

• That your children rely on you and your husband for keeping them healthy and happy.
• That you have a limited amount of time in the day.
• That love fades with time if you do not actively work for it.
• That your husband is the man that he is.

There are simply some forces of the universe and truths about parenting that cannot be denied or altered. And unfortunately these things can quickly eat away at you if you think you can change them and aren’t seeing any success with your efforts.

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This is especially true of your husband. You think that if he just changes, all will be right in the world.

How great would it be to just snap your fingers and magically change the quirks in your husband that drives you nuts (especially all of the irritating things that have emerged since you both became parents)? Or, if not magic, than maybe you can use your logical explanations or great advice to change his ways.

You can imagine that these things will work for you until you turn blue in the face to no avail. But with a little self-awareness and the acceptance that there are some things you cannot change, you can begin to move forward on a path to marital bliss focusing on the things you actually do have the power to alter.

Find the courage to change the things you can

You CAN change your own thoughts and actions, and these thoughts and actions are going to have an impact on the world around you.

It may sometimes seem impossible or completely out of your control, but the world around you can glow a little brighter simply by thinking more positively and reframing situations in your head. Your thoughts are within your control, and the way you think sets the tone for your outlook on your life. The more positively you think, the more positively you act and impact those around you.

You can also choose to change what you do and don’t do in your home life. Even though you may feel forced to have to keep everything together, you have the ability to change the workload balance in your marriage by setting boundaries, delegating tasks, and learning to let go.

Prioritizing self-care and making time to have more fun together with your husband are also things that you can change from one day to the next. These changes are going to have a profound impact on your mental health and put you in a position to be a better wife and mom.

You can change you, and changing you is going to have a colossal impact on your life and marriage. Find that courage to just do it!

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Have the wisdom to know the difference

You’re a smart cookie – you already have the wisdom it takes to know the difference between the things you can’t change and the things you can.

But let’s go back to that list we had of things we couldn’t change, and see how we can put this wisdom to good use.

You cannot change that your children rely on you and your husband for keeping them healthy and happy.

Rather than focusing on somehow changing your children’s inherent needs for love, attention, food, and hygiene – which is impossible – you can change how much you let their needs overwhelm and exhaust you by working together as a team with your husband and finding ways to balance the workload.

You cannot change that you have a limited amount of time in the day.

Unless you have a super strong astrological connection that can change earth’s rotation to give us more hours of sunlight each day, you can stop trying to change the amount of time you have in a day.

Instead you can focus on prioritizing your time so you can efficiently get things done at home and still have time left over for self-care and quality time with your husband, either for a few minutes each day with quick playful games or once a week with an at-home date night.

You cannot change that love fades with time if you do not actively work for it.

Despite what you’ve seen in movies or heard in fairytales, love does not actually just burn eternally between two people without any intervention. You cannot just change that a love or marriage that is dying will suddenly stop and rejuvenate on its own.

You can change how you contribute to the love in your relationship. By taking actions every day to fill your husband’s love tank, you can ensure that your love does continue to grow and flourish.

You cannot change that your husband is the man that he is.

You can influence and inspire your husband, but down to his core, he will always be the man that he is. You cannot change that.

And nor should you want to! Because the man that he is at his core is the man that you fell in love with.

Instead of wasting your efforts on trying to change your husband, focus instead on changing the way that you approach your husband. The way that you speak to him. Encourage him. Praise him. Laugh with him. Show him that you love him.

This will do more for the way that he behaves than anything you could possibly do otherwise to change him.

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Use your wisdom to change your marriage

Actively work on letting go of the things you cannot change and focusing on the things that you can.

Make it a habit of reflecting on situations every once in a while and asking yourself if you are trying to change something you cannot change. And if you find that is the case, back up and ask yourself how you can change the thing that you can – YOU – and how that can help you achieve your desired outcome.

Once you stop wasting your energy on things that out of your control and focus instead on having a positive mindset, balancing the workload with your husband, prioritizing fun, and all of the other things that are within your power to change about yourself, you will notice that your married life with kids becomes a life you can enjoy rather than feel trapped in.

Be the change you want to see!

Are you ready, mama?

Don’t spend another day waiting for your marriage to magically get better as your kids grow older and you and your husband grow further apart. Take charge of your life and get the marriage you want and deserve.

Start changing what you can change today!

This article is part of the series How to Revive Your Marriage After Kids Fundamental 1: Have a Constructive Attitude.

About me

Hi, I’m Bailee! I am a mom just like you who, after having my second baby, was struggling BIG TIME to cope with motherhood and marriage. Divorce seemed like the inevitable option until I decided to fight for the family life that I truly wanted.

I challenged my husband to give our marriage one more go and was able to pull us out of the abyss. With a change in my mindset and some other handy tools and tricks along the way, I brought us back into the light of a happy marriage with kids.

Now I am here now to help you do the same! Are you ready, mama? Learn more.