Enjoying your relationship is a lot easier when you stop comparing your marriage with kids to your marriage when it was just you and your husband. Learn how to set and accept more realistic expectations for your marriage after having kids and enjoy the new normal!

It’s time for Marriage 2.0

The marriage you knew and loved before having kids is gone.

I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

Kids change the dynamic of your marriage more than anyone can predict or prevent.

The transition from happy couple with all of the time in the world for each other dissipates into a constant battle to get enough sleep, maintain the house, and stay on top of jobs, friends, families, pets, and all of the other adulty things in our lives.

That doesn’t mean, however, that your marriage is doomed. It just needs a little TLC so it can be the new, updated version of what it once was. Marriage 2.0.

But this starts by setting expectations for what your marriage is now that you have kids, and letting go of what you expect it to be based on your previous experience.

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What your marriage probably looked like before kids

Before you had babies, your marriage was probably a heavenly blend of Netflix, nights out with friends, crazy sex, and just enjoying each other’s company.

Maybe there were some bills to pay and maybe a dog to walk, but other than that, responsibility was pretty much restricted to working hours.

Evenings were for preparing that tasty new meal you found on Pinterest, giggling as you fed each other with wooden spoons and cheers-ing with your wine glasses, followed by a few hours of bingeing your favorite show together ending in tearing each other’s clothes off and going at it right on the couch. Oh, and then you’d sleep in spooning together until at least 9:00am the next morning.

Ah, just thinking back to those youngsters – so naive, so full of energy, so ready to do big things in the world. If only they knew what was in store for them. . .

What your marriage probably looks like after kids

Marriage? What marriage? You and your husband are just roommates who raise kids together, aren’t you?

Unfortunately marriages after kids can take on a plethora of not-so-fun traits, leaving them almost unrecognizable compared to the pre-kid days.

How many of these do you recognize in your marriage now?

• You rarely, if ever, have sex (or, if you do have it, you would have rather been sleeping)
• Your conversations involve primarily topics like baby poop, what to eat for dinner (the cheap and easy slap-it-together dinners, not your Pinterest-worthy ones), or whose turn it is to take out the trash
• Laying on the couch to watch anything together results in you both falling asleep after 10 minutes
• You never go out or do anything fun together anymore
• You are overwhelmed by housework and childcare, and it seems like you’re in a constant fight about who is contributing more

In your marriage with kids, your husband can begin to look more and more like your roommate at best or your arch rival at worst. Those happy loving feelings have extinguished and you may even find yourself questioning if your marriage is worth fighting for anymore (spoiler alert: it is).

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The new normal for your marriage

Forget what your relationship was before kids and forget what it looks like today.

It’s time for you to redefine what “normal” is for you in your marriage now.

Maybe normal isn’t going out to eat every weekend and spooning on the couch all evening anymore. And maybe normal shouldn’t be passing out on opposite ends of the couch at 7:30pm without so much as a kiss good night anymore either.

You get to decide what normal is for your marriage in this new stage of your life. And setting the new normal means that you have to set some realistic expectations so that you and your partner don’t bank on rainbows and butterflies, but also don’t settle for anything less than a joyful partnership.

Realistic expectations to set in your marriage with kids

Here are some common expectations that you can set in your marriage with kids that are going to keep you both happy in your new normal relationship.

Your marriage is going to take work if you want to keep the love alive.

This is a big one, which is why it is first on this list.

Sometimes we expect that the immensity of our warm and fuzzy love will just see us through anything. It’s always there guiding us and lifting us up and making sure that we stay connected and happy forever with our soulmates.

Wrong.

Love is something that needs to be actively worked on in order to keep it alive. You can’t just put it on the shelf for a few years while you take care of this kid stuff and expect that it’s going to be fully intact in the end.

It’s all too easy to take our marriages for granted and put the brakes on while we shift our focus to childcare and housework and everything else. We tell ourselves to suck it up and wait it out and things will get better with time, but this is a mistake.

You have to make your marriage a priority and do little things every day to fill up your husband’s love tank (and he yours).

Expect that your marriage is going to need your constant (though teeny tiny amount) of effort to keep the love flowing through the first tough years with kids.

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Dating still needs to happen, but it may look different.

You both still need to commit to spending quality time together, just the two of you. This time is essential to help you connect as a couple.

Dating allows you to try new things together, make memories, laugh, and get close. You can get to know each other again and make new memories while you enjoy experiences together.

However, going out when you are a parent requires a babysitter and a budget, which not all of us have when we are forking out most of our salaries on diapers and kid clothes.

That’s why I recommend dating at home from your living room. You can still have just as much fun together as you would on a night out, experiencing new things and stepping outside of your normal comfort zones even from the place where you are most comfortable.

Check out my fully-planned at-home date night guides or get some great ideas for activities that you can do together from home.

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Everyone needs space for self-care (with limits).

Just as important as it is to spend time together in your marriage with kids, you also need to prioritize time for yourselves to relax and recharge your batteries.

Taking care of kids takes a lot of you. Energy is at an all time low between night feedings and waking nightmares. It’s important that you both have time to refuel and reenergize so you can keep up with your kids and have enough left over to spend on your partner, too.

Expect that you will have to take turns giving each other some space for “me time,” and, for us moms at least, expect that this might make you feel guilty sometimes.

DON’T.

Everyone needs a little time for self-care, otherwise our cups aren’t full enough to give to the others in our families.

If your husband seems to be taking a little too much time for self-care, to the point that it is causing resentment for you, it may be time to set up some boundaries and new expectations for what is normal in your marriage.

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Resentment will happen, but you can learn to minimize its frequency.

Resentment is that deep down anger that brews inside us when we feel like things aren’t fairly balanced in our marriage. And no time does resentment rear its ugly head more then when you are a new parent.

Don’t get swept away by resentment in your marriage, and instead learn to tackle it head on before it wreaks havoc. Learn more about how to tackle resentment in your marriage with kids.

Expect that even with your best efforts, however, resentment is going to pop up, even when you least expect it.

Perhaps your husband gets sick and is bedridden for a few days while you are stuck alone with the kids. You may find yourself feeling jealous or angry that you have to take it all on while he is sick.

Whether we like to admit these behaviors or not, they are going to happen.

Be prepared to use positive thinking to help you combat these scenarios when you can’t control them otherwise and your marriage will survive and thrive.

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Differences in parenting styles will impact your marriage.

Should you let your baby cry it out or soothe them to sleep? Do baby-led weening or spoon feeding? Should you start kindergarten this year or wait another year?

These are probably not questions that caused any form of heated discussion in your marriage before you had kids, but boy can they be the cause of a real smackdown now.

Expect that differences in opinion about how to parent your kids is going to come up and have a plan for how to tackle these differences without letting it hurt your marriage.

Perhaps you need to schedule a time to go into “parent mode” and have these difficult discussions, followed by a date night where you turn it off and focus on doing something fun together. The transition may seem a little forced and unnatural, but it will help you to remember that parenting your kids is a job that doesn’t have to take away from the love you share together.

You have to prioritize because you can’t do it all.

Expect that there are 11,976 things you need to do in a day, and that you will achieve 7 of them.

Being a parent means giving the vast majority of your attention and energy to your kids, but then you also have a house to maintain, job to do, friends to stay in touch with etc. Oh – and a marriage that you have already committed to prioritizing.

We have to accept that we can’t do everything 100% without burning out. And if we want to make our marriage a priority, that means that we may sometimes have to let other things go or say no to things that aren’t our top priorities.

Don’t dwell on this, but instead celebrate your wins when you do achieve your prioritized goals. If, at the end of the day, your marriage is happy and healthy and everything else you’ve prioritized is taken care of, nothing else matters.

But you can have it all.

You can realistically expect that your marriage is going to be filled with love, romance, passion, companionship, laughter… everything you want from it!

It might look a little different than what you are used to and the waves of these blissful feelings might be a little more subtle than they once were, but with a little effort, it’s not out of reach.

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Let’s enjoy the new normal!

Are you ready, mama?

Don’t spend another day waiting for your marriage to magically get better as your kids grow older and you and your husband grow further apart. Take charge of your life and get the marriage you want and deserve.

Start changing your expectations today!

This article is part of the series How to Revive Your Marriage After Kids Fundamental 1: Have a Constructive Attitude.

About me

Hi, I’m Bailee! I am a mom just like you who, after having my second baby, was struggling BIG TIME to cope with motherhood and marriage. Divorce seemed like the inevitable option until I decided to fight for the family life that I truly wanted.

I challenged my husband to give our marriage one more go and was able to pull us out of the abyss. With a change in my mindset and some other handy tools and tricks along the way, I brought us back into the light of a happy marriage with kids.

Now I am here now to help you do the same! Are you ready, mama? Learn more.