Putting yourself in your husband’s shoes and use self-awareness to reflect on how you have contributed to the problems in your marriage can be a tough but necessary exercise for you to make progress towards improving your relationship. This article is for moms like you who aren’t afraid to look inwardly, admit your faults, and do what it takes to make it better for your marriage and family!

Get some perspective

When you find yourself in a marriage that isn’t going in the direction you want it to after having kids, you may begin to notice every little thing that is wrong about your husband. He doesn’t help out enough. He doesn’t understand you. He just needs to grow up!

These could all be valid observations. But if you get stuck at this point of blaming your partner for all of the woes in your marriage without also acknowledging our own influence, you’re bound to do just that – get stuck in a crappy relationship.

In order for your marriage to rebound and flourish, you also have to take a moment to reflect on yourself and your actions. You have to consider how YOU contribute to the increasing rift in your relationship.

This can be difficult when clearly it is your husband causing all of the issues, but I think you’ll find that by putting yourself in your husband’s shoes and looking inwardly at yourself a bit, you might just discover that both of you are guilty of changing your relationship dynamic for the worse.

But don’t worry! Once you’ve gotten some become more self-aware, you’ll be able to climb out of the blame game hole and get your marriage back on track.

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Forget being right and do the right thing for your marriage

Everyone knows that we ladies are always right.

Except maybe when we’re not.

I invite you to please keep an open mind as you read through this because these exercises are going to challenge you. They’re going to challenge you to rethink some of your deep-held beliefs and more critically, to open up to the vague possibility that you aren’t always right.

Accepting that “your way or the highway” isn’t necessarily the most productive mindset for your marriage is going to help you be more empathetic towards your husband.

And when you are more empathetic, you are able to think more positively about him and find solutions that bring you both happiness in your relationship.

The happier you both are, the more you can support each other and work as a team.

The better team you are, the better parents you are for your kids.

And on and on it goes.

So now is the time for you to take on the challenge and do what is right for your marriage. Get ready to reflect on your actions and see the world from your partner’s point of view.

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Putting yourself in your husband’s shoes

We tend to think that if our men just “grow up” or fix their issues, everything in our lives will magically be better.

Well, yeah.

But it isn’t realistic to think that the problems in your marriage are one-sided, and that your husband is going to wake up one day and just realize that he needs to change all of his behaviors.

No. Marriage is a give and take. It takes two to tango.

And chances are that your husband is thinking similarly negative things about YOU. “If she would just relax and have more fun, everything would be solved!”

Just like you know it isn’t as simple as “just relax,” sometimes it isn’t quite as simple for your husband to find one end-all be-all solution to the ailing marriage after having kids.

I’m going to ask you a series of questions to help you start thinking more about how what you do in your relationship (maybe even unknowingly!) impacts your husband and thus your marriage.

Let’s go!

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Ask yourself these questions to gain self-awareness in your marriage

Remember to be brutally honest with yourself about your answers to these questions!

And don’t worry if you don’t love your honest answers. Later in the article you will find helpful ways to solve each of these problems.

Do you share your feelings openly, honestly, and directly with your husband?

. . . or do you expect him to “just know”? To be in tune with you? To be able to read your mind? And do you then maybe get passive aggressively angry at him when he can’t?

Do you praise your husband and build up his confidence when he helps out?

. . . or do you usually offer “constructive criticism” or unsolicited advice because he’s doing it incorrectly? Do you tend to just do things yourself because you can do them better?

Do you say “thank you” often for the things your husband does to contribute to your family?

. . . or do you just expect him to do it because he’s an adult and it has to get done? Do you think “does he expect a medal for doing (insert mundane chore)?”

Do you make your husband feel wanted?

. . . or do you often reject his attempts at intimacy? Rarely pay him a compliment? Touch him when it’s not expected?

Do you ever have fun with your husband anymore?

. . . or do you only communicate about family care logistics and little else? Can you remember the last time you really laughed together? Have you been on a date night since having kids?

And the biggest question of them all. . .

Would you want to be married to you?

Before you answer, let’s look at a fun metaphor.

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The bad girl friend metaphor

Think about if your best girl friend – the one you hang out with every weekend and share everything with and go out for drinks with and whatever other girly girl friend things you can think of.

Then, from seemingly one day to the next, she:

• Becomes obsessed with some other person and spends all of her time with him
• Rejects you every time you made an effort to hang out
• Criticizes seemingly every decision you make you do in your life
• Avoids you every time you want to talk
• Snaps at you for basically everything you say

Would you still want to be friends with her?

NO! You’d think “that bitch!” and that would be the end of it that friendship right then and there.

Sometimes with a little self-awareness, however, we discover that we have become “that bitch” in our relationships.

And your husband is doubtfully thinking about you with such harsh language, but he he has definitely noticed that you have become “the bad girl friend.” Unlike dropping a friend, however, he is morally and legally obligated by the ring on his finger to suck it up and make it work.

Back to the question

If you are being truly honest with yourself, do you think that you are the best person that you can be in your marriage right now? Would you want to be in a relationship with you?

Or would you also maybe be a little irritated by the rejection, criticism, and bad attitude?

When you take a minute to look at yourself from this perspective, it becomes easier to have some empathy for your husband. Maybe he’s making more of an effort to hang in there and keep the ship afloat than you give him credit for.

Don’t feel bad about your answers

Now listen, Mama.

I’m not saying that you are wrong or a bad person for doing any of these negative things on the question list above. All of us moms are guilty of not being the best versions of ourselves on every point. All of us.

In fact, if you’re a mom and you thought “nope I’m actually perfect in every sense” you would be a total weirdo.

Sometimes we aren’t exactly the supportive, fun-loving, sexy spouses that we want to be, especially when we have little kids relying on us for every little thing.

And that’s OK. No one expects you to be the exact same woman that you were pre-kid.

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Being a mom changes things but it doesn’t have to change EVERYTHING

Being burnt out, crabby, and obsessed with your kid are completely valid.

You’re a mom – of course you are different than you were pre-baby! And there is stress and responsibility and new beings in your life that suck up all of your love and energy.

But the more you can step back and be empathetic and understanding of your husband – the more grace you can give him and the more you can acknowledge when you are being the zombie mom version of yourself rather than your true self – the better he is going to be at accepting and supporting the you you’ve become as a parent.

Being conscious of the person that you are being in your marriage compared to the person that you WANT to be in your marriage can make a huge difference for your mindset.

Self-awareness helps you be the wife you want to be

You also need to look inwardly and ask yourself what YOU can do be the change you want to see in your marriage.

Maybe that doesn’t feel fair to you and focusing on the things you have the power to change can be tricky, but you taking responsibility for YOU is going to be a far more effective way to make positive steps in your marriage than just waiting for you husband to change his tune.

Solutions if you want to do better for your marriage

If your journey to self-awareness in your marriage has opened your eyes to the possibility that you can do things a better way, you’ve come to the right place.

There are luckily some very simple things that you can begin doing in your marriage already today that are going to make a big impact on how your husband perceives you and, most importantly, how you perceive yourself.

Stop expecting your husband to be a mind reader.

We women are pros, maybe not at reading minds, but at assessing emotions. We can read our husbands like a book based on the smallest inflection in their speaking or subtle change in behavior.

Our men, on the other hand, are clueless. If we don’t tell them things straight up, they just don’t understand.

If you are expecting your husband to be a mind reader and know how you are feeling without explicitly saying it, you are going to be disappointed. And chances are that your disappointment brews into resentment and you might not be the most pleasant woman in the world to be around when that happens.

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Stop criticizing your husband’s efforts.

Sometimes we moms have specific ways of caring for our kids or tackling the household chores that we just know are the only RIGHT way (again, because we are always right, except when we aren’t right, right?).

And when our husbands try to help in their own special (and obviously not as correct) way, we may politely give them some helpful advice with great intentions at best, or take them down with our criticism at worst.

Each criticism and unsolicited advice is a direct shot to your husband’s ego, and he may not attempt to be helpful again if he thinks he’s just going to do it wrong anyway.

You may not even notice that you criticize, but trust me, your husband does. Combat this by learning how to build him up with praise and confidence in the way that he does things to help out.

Start saying “thank you” for the things your husband does.

We ladies tend to do a lot of the housework and childcare without any particular praise or thanks. So why, then, should he get some?

Building a “culture of thank yous” starts somewhere and it goes a long way towards making you BOTH feel noticed and appreciated in the work that you do to keep your family ship sailing.

Saying “thanks” only costs you 1 millisecond of energy but creates a wave of good feeling throughout your marriage. Throw them out there like candy at a parade and you will be sure to reap the benefits, too.

Start making your husband feel wanted.

Being “wanted” by our partners is a feeling we all have. We want to feel like we are attractive, worthy of their attention, and deserving of their love – both men and women.

Sometimes when we are so focused on our children, we tend to forget to show our husbands that they are wanted.

Now we know that wanting to have sex when you’re a busy and exhausted mom isn’t as simple as saying “let’s do this!” and going for it. There are lots of other factors to consider.

However, you can begin doing small actions that make your husband feel more wanted like complimenting his appearance or making a point to touch him often. Try a slap on the butt, a quick peck on the cheek, or resting your hand on his leg while watching a movie.

These subtle acts really make a huge difference for your husband to feel like you notice him and want HIM, not just an extra pair of hands to help with the kids.

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Start having more fun together.

When we have kids, we tend to get so burnt out and squashed by the weight of our mile-long to-do lists that we forget how to have fun. Suddenly we have so much responsibility and no time to take care of it all when we also have little kids, so fun gets put as a low priority.

The old saying that “all work and no play makes Jane a dull girl” becomes quite relevant.

You need to remember that having fun is what makes you more than just parent robots. It is not just a frivolous luxury to use our time on fun, but a way for you to loosen up and connect with one another. It’s a necessity in a happy marriage.

Find little ways to have fun every day by asking each other silly questions or playing quick games that help you both to laugh and enjoy each other’s company, if only for a minute.

You can also schedule a date night, even from your living room, where you both can try new things and have fun together.

Get your husband to see things from YOUR perspective

So now you’ve done this exercise of seeing yourself from your husband’s perspective and finding self-awareness, but what about your husband? Shouldn’t he also see things from your point of view?

Yep. He should.

He needs to understand that you are not 100% the same person your were before becoming a mom, and that you likely never will be again. But you are still YOU and he fell in love with YOU.

My favorite way to invite my husband to see things from my point of view is to write a letter.

Writing gives you a chance to organize your thoughts and express yourself clearly, and it gives your husband a chance to process everything you say without getting defensive.

Use your letter to explain how you feel without blaming him, and invite him to see things from your perspective.

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Showing each other empathy

Hopefully once you both have gone through this exercise, you will come out on the other side as better partners who can truly put themselves in each other’s shoes.

You’ll be more in-tune with each other’s needs and feelings and be able to break out of your restricting mentalities that you each are “always right.” Once you’ve done this, you can begin to focus on what is right for your marriage.

Show each other empathy and compassion. Do what it takes to be the wife you want to be, and reap the benefits of a relationship you love after.

Subtle changes are all that it takes to make your marriage a happier one for your both to be in, but it all starts with a little self-awareness.

Let’s get self-aware!

Are you ready, mama?

Don’t spend another day waiting for your marriage to magically get better as your kids grow older and you and your husband grow further apart. Take charge of your life and get the marriage you want and deserve.

Start changing your perspective today!

This article is part of the series How to Revive Your Marriage After Kids Fundamental 1: Have a Constructive Attitude.

About me

Hi, I’m Bailee! I am a mom just like you who, after having my second baby, was struggling BIG TIME to cope with motherhood and marriage. Divorce seemed like the inevitable option until I decided to fight for the family life that I truly wanted.

I challenged my husband to give our marriage one more go and was able to pull us out of the abyss. With a change in my mindset and some other handy tools and tricks along the way, I brought us back into the light of a happy marriage with kids.

Now I am here now to help you do the same! Are you ready, mama? Learn more.