Why Positive Thinking in Marriage is a Game Changer for Moms
Training your brain to reframe negativity and name-calling is a vital skill to help you have a constructive attitude in your marriage. Learn how to think more positively about your husband and love your relationship again!
The name game
So you had a baby (or several) and now your husband is your mortal enemy.
OK OK, mortal enemy might not be the right term.
How about man-child that you have to take care of in addition to your actual children?
Or sex-crazed pig who just can’t seem to take a hint that you’re too damn tired?
Or maybe simply just “that idiot?”
Whatever you want to call him, something about this human that you chose to procreate with is NOT the person you fell in love with pre-motherhood.
Or is he?
Why mindset is so important in your marriage
Being in the right state of mind to love and to be loved is essential for your happiness in your marriage.
The way you feel about your husband starts with how you think about your husband. It’s pretty hard to feel happily in love if you are always going around in your head calling your husband names, inwardly rolling your eyes at his choices, or wondering what happened to the man that you married.
You create a pattern of thinking that sends you down a spiral of negative thoughts focusing on all of the things that go wrong and building resentment.
The more you think it the more you start to believe that these negative notions about your partner is true. And when you really start to believe that your husband is a lazy idiot (for example), it makes it awfully hard to want to commit to reviving the relationship.
That, and your negativity becomes apparent outwardly, to your husband of course when you snap or actually roll our eyes when he speaks, but also to your children who can sense the tension a mile away.
Those little thoughts that creep into your head therefore have a bigger impact on your family dynamic than you may realize.
The power of positive thinking
It’s crucial if you want to have any chance at achieving a happy marriage that you focus firstly on your mindset. You need to make a switch from negative thoughts about your husband to positive ones.
When you can get your brain on the cycle of positivity, you will begin to notice and be grateful for the things that your husband does to help out. You will be more akin and empathetic to his feelings, and he to yours. You will feel more like you are in things together as a team rather than working against each other.
Positivity is the beginning of your journey towards a happier marriage and family life.
How to reframe and think positively in marriage
Have you ever seen the old Disney movie “Pollyanna?” Basically it’s about a young girl whose peppy attitude and ability to find the good in everything win the hearts of all the crotchety people in her town who pick up her optimism and positive thinking.
Be your own personal Pollyanna!
It may seem as though your thoughts are something that you don’t have control of – they just come based on your emotions in the moment.
And that is partially true.
But you can also actively begin to change your outlook on your life and marriage by acknowledging and eliminating scenarios that cause negativity. Train your brain to find the silver lining in any situation.
Doing this takes commitment, including understanding how love changes over time, being patient with our brain training, and, quite honestly, dismissing some of our pride to make way for positive change.
Here are some other things that you can do to help reframe your thoughts about your husband to positive ones.
Remember that your husband is still the man you married.
Sure your life changed unimaginably after you became a mom and you’ve certainly grown in your role, but deep down you are still the same person that you’ve always been at your core.
The same is true of your husband. That person you fell in love with is still in there – he’s maybe just buried under some new layers of fatherhood that both he and you have to learn how to navigate a bit.
Always keeping that in your mind – that your husband is still the man you fell in love with – sets you up to think more compassionately and empathetically about him. Positivity comes more naturally when you believe that your husband is a good person worth loving.
Learn how to combat resentment.
Resentment brews in you when the balance between you and your husband doesn’t seem fair. If you feel like you are doing more than your partner (and in turn burning yourself out doing it while he seems to be perfectly functional), you start to get eaten up inside with feelings of injustice, anger, and even jealousy.
Finding ways to even out the workloads and therefore minimizing the risk of resentment build-up in your marriage is one of the key ways to eliminate negative thoughts and pave the way for more positivity.
Read here to learn more about combatting resentment.
Practice gratitude every day.
Spend some time every day reflecting on things in your life that you are grateful for or things that bring you joy. This can be anything from how delicious your morning Starbucks treat was to how lucky you are to be a mom to such amazing children.
Make sure to then spend some time thinking about the things you are grateful for related to your husband. Chances are that you can find at least something! Perhaps he filled up the kids’ milk cups mid-dinner so you could eat a hot meal for once, or he worked hard at work that day to provide for the family.
Spending a little bit of time each day thinking about your gratitude (and ideally also writing it down or saying it out loud) will help you begin to naturally notice the good things in your life more and more throughout your day.
The more great things you notice, the more you are able to think positively!
Catch the negativity and stop it with a reframing phrase.
Think of flipping your negative thoughts into positive ones as training for your brain. It takes mental strength and stamina but the more you do it, the more naturally it will come!
When you have a negative thought, be aware of the negativity and actively force your brain to think something positive instead.
For example, if you find yourself thinking “that idiot left his towel on the floor again!” try acknowledging the thought, dismissing it, and replacing it with something like “he must have been in a hurry to get out of the door this morning” or “at least I know he showered today!”
You don’t have to over-do it by thinking “my what a lovely wet towel on the floor – thank you dearest!”
But simply trying to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and justifying their actions from their perspective or addressing that the problem could have been much worse is a great way to get your brain to start thinking more positively.
See your husband as your “balancing force”
It’s easier to think positively about your husband when you have the mindset that he is the yin to your yang.
Your husband can be your living, breathing reminder to let go, let loose, and enjoy life sometimes rather than getting too caught up in chores, childcare, and stress.
So when you find yourself caught up in resentment or having a hard time overcoming the negative thoughts, it can help to imagine him as pulling you back down to a happy equilibrium. Instead of getting frustrated at your differences, thinking in this way may just help you begin to embrace them.
Celebrate the small victories
Start to pay attention to the little nuggets of goodness that happen in your marriage and celebrate them!
Your husband cleared the table without you asking him to? WOOHOO!
He gave you a genuine kiss on the way out the door this morning instead of his usual quick peck? YESSS!
He told you thank you for folding the laundry? EEEEK!
Take just a minute to cheer yourself on inside your head when you notice the wins, or, if you really want to engrain it in your brain, shout out loud! Do a dance! Anything that feels good for you. You deserve it!
Let’s get positive!
Are you ready, mama?
Don’t spend another day waiting for your marriage to magically get better as your kids grow older and you and your husband grow further apart. Take charge of your life and get the marriage you want and deserve.
Start thinking positively today!
This article is part of the series How to Revive Your Marriage After Kids Fundamental 1: Have a Constructive Attitude.
About me
Hi, I’m Bailee! I am a mom just like you who, after having my second baby, was struggling BIG TIME to cope with motherhood and marriage. Divorce seemed like the inevitable option until I decided to fight for the family life that I truly wanted.
I challenged my husband to give our marriage one more go and was able to pull us out of the abyss. With a change in my mindset and some other handy tools and tricks along the way, I brought us back into the light of a happy marriage with kids.
Now I am here now to help you do the same! Are you ready, mama? Learn more.
