John Gray’s popular book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, has been one of the leading relationship books since the days when most of us were still in diapers. Now that we are in the trenches of a marriage in which we often are arguing with our husbands about diapering our own kids, the concepts – namely that men and women are as intrinsically different as aliens from other planets – are more relevant than ever.

Learn more about Gray’s theories and how they are total must-grasps for every mom like you out there looking to understand your husband better and improve your marriage!

Disclosure: This article may contain affiliate links to some really awesome products and services that we highly recommend! When you follow these links, we may receive a small commission at no extra cost to you, which helps us to continue running Dating in Captivity.

The Summary

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray essentially is a handbook for couples that explains the differences in behaviors between men and women in relationships and encourages us to respect and accept these differences. If we can learn to let each other be as we naturally are without taking offense or trying to change each other to match our own behaviors, we will be happy as little married clams.

Gray’s ideas are particularly relevant for married couples who are struggling to see eye-to-eye in their marriages, and never has any couple seen less eye-to-eye than they have after becoming parents.

This book and its concepts are therefore vital for every married mama out there who wants to get her marriage back on track.

Here are the key takeaways (each explained in greater detail below) for mamas who want to improve their marriages with their husbands:

• Men won’t offer to do things if there’s a chance they will fail or make mistakes, and women give without boundaries.
• Men don’t want our advice.
• Men need space to solve problems.
• Men assume that when women complain about anything, we’re blaming them for whatever we are complaining about.
• Men and women keep score differently.
• Men grumble.

via GIPHY

Why Men Are From Mars matters to you

The main point of the book is that men and women are intrinsically different in our behaviors and needs when it comes to relationships, and that we would all be happier in our relationships if we learned to respect these differences.

I must admit that I believe this to be 100% true.

Sometimes the issues that blow up in our relationships once we become parents are actually just misunderstandings about how we each function within our sex.

The most effective way to find contentment and joy in your marriage as a parent is for you both to first learn how each other operates as a man and as a woman, and to be understanding and accommodating to those differences.

The criticism for Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (and why I take it with a grain of salt)

Now a lot of people have criticized the book over time because it basically paints the picture that men are emotionally incompetent babies and that we women need to cater to them in order to have any progress in our relationships.

YEP. That’s a fair enough assessment.

Here’s the thing, though, ladies.

We can blame society or our mothers-in-law for making our men the way they are until we are blue in the face. We can birth some boys and raise them to be more emotionally intelligent human beings. We can burn our bras and fight the man and decree that women should take over the world. Trust me, I’m right there with you!

via GIPHY

But none of that is going to help you marriage.

I’m sorry to have to be blunt, but if you want to improve your marriage with your husband right here and now, you have to accept that this is the way it is and learn to deal with it.

The good news is that I’ve found ways for you to “deal with it” that really aren’t all that difficult and that are going to make huge impacts to your happiness in your marriage.

Because at the end of the day, any effort that you make is going to help you be happier in your life as a wife and a mom. And isn’t that worth a tiny bit of sacrifice?

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus core concepts for married moms

So now we get the gist of the Men Are From Mars theory, we know why we should care about it, and we know that some people think it’s a bunch of phooey but we acknowledge it to be a sound guiding light. Now what?

Time to dive into the concepts that are vital for all of you moms out there who are ready to take on the challenge of reviving your marriage after having kids.

I’m not going to lie, mamas – you’re going to read a lot of these and think “men are such big babies!” Resist the urge (I know it’s hard) and try to just accept it as a fact that you need to deal with – no judgment.

After all, men probably read the book and think the exact same thing about us.

via GIPHY

Concept 1: Men won’t offer to do things if there’s a chance they will fail or make mistakes, and women give without boundaries.

Becoming a parent is a huge transition and no matter how many books you read or friends you talk to, no one can fully prepare you for taking care of a baby. At least for us moms, we luckily come with some natural instinct that helps us keep our kids alive and well.

Men, on the other hand, are dumb as posts when it comes to childcare in the beginning. Their natural instincts are just not up to par with ours in most cases.

Now look at Gray’s theory which says that men like to be the knight in shining armor who saves the day with his many many talents and strengths. If a man thinks there is a chance he might fail or look silly when asked to do something, he’ll subconsciously choose to save face and just not do it.

via GIPHY

But at the same time we ladies have our natural childcare instincts and, as Gray argues, a broken “give-o-meter” (OK Gray doesn’t call it that but I do) – meaning that we tend to give and give of ourselves until we totally burn ourselves out and explode.

So here’s our husband who doesn’t go near any task that he doesn’t feel confident in doing, and us, the women, who just do the task again and again anyway because of our broken give-o-meters.

Do we see how this creates a pattern in parenting?

How to respect your Martian’s fear of failure

The solution to this concept is twofold.

Firstly, we need to build up our husband’s confidence in his own skills so that he feels comfortable taking on tasks regarding the kids. All of those natural mommy instincts that we somehow get need to be learned by our partners, and the only way for them to learn how to do it properly is through us.

Ladies, we also need to learn to stop giving so much that we break (AKA fix our give-o-meters), and instead delegate some of our workload to our husbands. Again we do this by building them up enough that they can take over some of the responsibility.

This doesn’t have to be difficult – you’re already changing that diaper or packing that lunch bag. Just show your husband how to do it and praise the crap out of him every time he makes an effort (even if it isn’t exactly how you would have done it).

Concept 2: Men don’t want our advice.

And it’s f*&%ing frustrating!

We ladies are so smart! We have all the answers! We just want to help!

The second point that Gray makes in the Men Are From Mars book is that men like to solve their own problems, and that when we women offer our advice, our men interpret it as us doubting that they can do it on their own.

Giving our unsolicited advice will cause our husbands to feel emasculated and dumb, which, as we learned in the previous concept, isn’t ideal.

via GIPHY

How to respect your Martian’s no advice-taking

So now we have a husband who doesn’t want our advice, but also won’t do anything unless we teach him how to do things the right way . . . WHAT?!

Teaching and giving unsolicited advice have to be two very separate things.

In the example of teaching our husbands how to change a diaper, we would literally bring our husbands over to the changing table and say “I’m going to give you a crash course on how to change a diaper so you know how to do it next time.”

Giving unsolicited advice would be when you walk past your husband changing a diaper and you say “you know it’s a lot easier if you just (insert diaper changing technique here).”

Can you see the difference?

We have great intentions with the second example , but our husband interprets the unsolicited advice as criticism.

If he specifically asks you for help or tips, you can give freely. But if he’s in the midst of doing something on his own, just let him be.

Concept 3: Men need space to solve problems.

We ladies usually like to talk through our problems, sometimes at excruciating length and with many vivid details. Venting helps us get the distress out of our bodies and work through our issues.

Men like to lock themselves away from the world and figure their crap out on their own.

When this happens we may feel like our husbands are pulling away, avoiding us, or shutting us out.

And they kind of are.

But not intentionally because they are trying to be mean or don’t love us anymore. They simply need some space to clear their heads and find solutions to whatever it is they are struggling with.

via GIPHY

How to respect your Martian’s space

The more you pressure your partner to talk or open up or let it all out, the more you are actually going to drive him away.

This is why getting your partner to commit to couple’s counseling sometimes isn’t the best solution for your relationship – it forces your husband to step out of his comfort zone at a time when, after becoming a new dad, being outside of his comfort zone is partially what’s causing friction in your marriage in the first place.

When your husband needs to overcome a problem or deal with a worry, let him do it in his way (hiding away) without taking offense. When you do have a chance for connection, instead of hammering in on his feelings about his problem or worry, keep the mood light and focus on having fun together. If he wants to open up to you he will.

Concept 4: Men assume that when women complain about anything, we’re blaming them for whatever we are complaining about.

Imagine this scenario:

You come in the door from work and your husband is already home after picking up your kids from daycare. You’ve had a long, stressful day and you walk immediately in to a hallway cluttered with shoes, jackets, and toys. You make the comment “This house is such a mess!”

What you really mean is “I’m tired and this mess is stressing me out” or “we should find a better way to organize the front hallway so it isn’t so overwhelming when we come in.”

What your husband hears is “You’re an idiot! Why didn’t you clean up the shoes and jackets?! You can’t be trusted to do anything in this house!”

Obviously a misunderstanding.

When we ladies complain, men take that complaint right to heart and assume that we are angry at them for whatever we are complaining about. They don’t have any concept of “venting” like we do – AKA that we just bitch about stuff because it makes us feel better to get it out. To them, any complaint is a direct dig at them.

via GIPHY

How to respect your Martian’s complaint interpretations

The best solution to this is to be very clear with your husband that you as a woman are going to complain and that he needs to turn his interpreter OFF.

Specify that if you are angry at him for something, you will flat out say it. Literally say “I am angry at you.” Then there’s no doubts or misinterpretations.

And then you have to follow through consistently! You can’t be angry and make passive aggressive remarks. They will make him second guess when you’re angry and when you’re not.

Spell it out for him so he doesn’t make wrong assumptions when you AREN’T angry. Because that will make you angry.

Concept 5: Men and women keep score differently.

I know, I know. Keeping score in your marriage is a big no-no.

But Gray’s description of scoring is a little different than the usual petty tit-for-tat scorekeeping we generally want to combat in our relationship.

Gray presents the concept that we value our contributions to the marriage in completely different ways (surprise!).

Men think that bigger, more in-depth contributions, like working long hours to provide for the family, get scored relative to the amount of time, effort, and impact it has on the marriage. In this example of providing for the family, men would maybe give a score of 50 points. Quality trumps quantity.

Women, on the other hand, give one point for everything. If your husband works long hours to provide for the family he gets one point, and if he comes home and gives you a hug at the end of the day he also gets one point. We value the quantity of contributions as much as the quality.

This can quickly and obviously be noticed in the patterns of moms and dads in married couples with kids. We moms with those giant to-do lists get irritated at our husbands for thinking that doing just one big thing is enough. Our men can’t understand why we expect them to do even more chores or romantic gestures when they’ve already done so much for us.

via GIPHY

How to respect your Martian’s scorekeeping

Make the intrinsic scores (which are really just an abstract concept) less important and focus instead on giving praise for the things your husband does.

If his only incentive to help out is to earn imaginary points that he already thinks he’s earned, he isn’t going to contribute. But if his contributions result in an abundance of praise and a boost to his ego every time he does something, he suddenly has some motivation.

Concept 6: Men grumble.

Men won’t do things they don’t want to do unless they’re asked. And when they’re asked, they’re going to grumble.

What is a grumble?

It’s the irritated muttering-under-their-breath, complaining, whining, bad mood they get in when they have to do something they don’t want to do.

via GIPHY

And it drives us women nuts.

Think if we complained like that every time we did something we didn’t want to! We would do nothing BUT complain! (Side bar – it’s actually worth reflecting on if doing the things you don’t want to be doing don’t manifest themselves in other not-so-flattering ways in your behavior. Read my article about self-awareness to learn more).

BUT the grumble is actually a good sign – it means your husband is going to do what you asked him to. If you get the dreaded silence or a brush off “yes dear” instead, your request may have been processed into his “not gonna happen” category.

And they’ll do it every single time. But then they’ll suck it up and do what we ask and when we praise them for a job well done in the end, they’ll feel like our knights in shining armor.

How to respect your Martian’s grumbling

Ladies, I’m sorry to say it but we just have to learn to let the grumble happen.

The more you praise your husband for helping out and the more you let him take care of tasks in his own way without our unsolicited advice, the less grumbling you may experience over time. But it’s going to happen. Every time. It just is what it is.

Maybe the grumble is just Martian for “I love you dear – of course I’ll help you with that.” You never know.

Other Men Are From Mars concepts

The six concepts included here are the absolute must-grasps if you’re a mom who wants to understand your husband better and improve your marriage.

There are several other of Gray’s concepts that aren’t worth missing if you want to become an expert on the differences between men and women in relationships, though!

If you want to take a deeper dive in, check out Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus book. Here is the chapter breakdown:

Chapter 1: Men Are From Mars – Women Are From Venus
Chapter 2: The Settlement Gentleman and the Family Improvement Committee
Chapter 3: Chapter 3: Men keep secrets while women love to reveal
Chapter 4: How to motivate the opposite sex
Chapter 5: Language difference
Chapter 6: Men are like rubber bands
Chapter 7: Women are like waves
Chapter 8: Discovering our different emotional needs
Chapter 9: How to avoid disagreements
Chapter 10: Gaining sympathy from the opposite sex
Chapter 11: How to express difficult feelings
Chapter 12: How to Offer and Receive Help
Chapter 13: Preserving the magic of love

Time to inhabit Mars!

Are you ready, mama?

Don’t spend another day waiting for your marriage to magically get better as your kids grow older and you and your husband grow further apart. Take charge of your life and get the marriage you want and deserve.

Become a Martian interpreter today!

This article is part of the series How to Revive Your Marriage After Kids Fundamental 1: Have a Constructive Attitude.

About me

Hi, I’m Bailee! I am a mom just like you who, after having my second baby, was struggling BIG TIME to cope with motherhood and marriage. Divorce seemed like the inevitable option until I decided to fight for the family life that I truly wanted.

I challenged my husband to give our marriage one more go and was able to pull us out of the abyss. With a change in my mindset and some other handy tools and tricks along the way, I brought us back into the light of a happy marriage with kids.

Now I am here now to help you do the same! Are you ready, mama? Learn more.