Sometimes pride can get in the way of taking the first steps necessary to revive your marriage after having kids. Learn how to let go of your feelings of unfairness and take control of your relationship – you’ll be glad you did in the end!

Why should you be the one to take the first step to helping your marriage?

You may feel that your commitment to improving your relationship is one-sided. Why should you have to put in any more effort than you already are when you are also taking care of the house, job, babies, etc.? Shouldn’t he be stepping up, too?

Ideally, yes.

But thinking that way is going to get you stuck in a pattern of just waiting for your relationship to magically get better. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it never will unless you step up and make the change that you and your family need.

When you make it out at the end of the road in a happy and healthy marriage that you can model for your kids, you aren’t going to give a rat’s furry butt that it was you who took the first steps to bringing about change.

It’s time for you to become your marriage superhero.

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What does being your own marriage superhero mean?

A superhero is someone who works hard to save something and gets all of the glory in the end when everyone is happily rescued.

You are going to the superhero that saves your marriage and basks in all of the rewards that come with it once your and your partner are in a happy, loving relationship again.

Why does it feel so unfair to have to take charge of the relationship?

You are in mom mode 24/7 and you do the cooking and the cleaning and the diaper changing and the everything-ing and now you also have to be the one to take initiative to fix your relationship. Of course it feels unfair to have another thing on your plate!

And it’s totally fair that it feels unfair – you are doing a lot, Mama.

The burden of maintaining the relationship tends to fall on the woman’s plate. We are naturally more tuned in to emotions and solutions-oriented when it comes to our marriages.

Does that mean that it should be your responsibility to maintain or improve your marriage while he just hangs on for the ride?

No. You both should be active participants in making your marriage work and thrive.

However sometimes the improvements your marriage needs requires one of you to point out the problem and take the first step towards fixing it so that you BOTH can take up the task from there. That’s your role as your marriage superhero.

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Understand that men are from Mars and women are from Venus

According to John Gray’s classic relationship book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, there are some inherent differences to how men and women behave in relationships, and our needs and ways of expressing ourselves are often polar opposites.

He argues that the easiest and best way to have a happy relationship is to accept and respect these differences. Some critics of Gray’s concept, however, argue that his suggestions require the woman in the marriage to make way too many concessions to the man in his way of doing this.

And they kinda do, which is also why taking the first step to fixing your marriage can feel double unfair.

We can choose to be bitter that society or our mothers-in-law have made our men into these emotionally unintelligent babies, sending us into a depressing spiral of feeling either helpless or like we need to change the entire male sex. . . OR we can accept it and make the best of it.

The marriage superhero doesn’t get scared off by the innate differences between men and women or deterred by the unfairness – she tackles the challenges head on!

Why you need to put on your cape and take charge

When you become your marriage superhero and take the necessary steps to revive your marriage, the results are going to be massive and noticeable (some of them almost immediately!). With every step you will be getting closer to a marriage in which you and your husband will:

• Cooperate better as a parenting team
• Communicate your needs more effectively
• Have more fun together
• Laugh more often
• Have more sex that you actually want to have
• Model what a strong relationship looks like for your children

And if none of the other incentives seem like they are enough to convince you, then be selfish, girl! YOU are the main benefactor of every effort you make. Everything you do is going to come back tenfold as a direct benefit to you and your happiness in life!

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How to forget fair and love being your marriage super hero!

If you’re on board with your super cool new super role, there are some tips and tricks that you can use to make your rescue mission easier and more successful.

Embrace your superhero status

Go all in on being your marriage superhero and accept everything that comes with the role, including having to be the one to learn how your marriage can be revived.

Fortunately I hope to make your new responsibility as easy and painless as possible by providing you with the advice and tools you need to make it happen with minimal effort!

Remind yourself daily that you are doing the right thing for your marriage and that it’s all going to pay off if you keep going. For every tip and trick that you consistently try and work on, your marriage is going to continue to improve.

Some day you may even reach a point where you can retire your superhero cape and live out your days together as happy civilians!

Get some perspective

Sometimes it helps you to feel more empathetic towards your husband if you take a minute to put yourself in his shoes.

If you are anything like me, you probably went from being his best friend that he could laugh with and have sexy time fun with whenever he wanted to this person who was constantly on-edge, overwhelmed, and absorbed in motherhood who seemed to not want anything to do with him in any capacity.

This all comes with the territory of being a new mom and of course our husbands need to have some understanding for this drastic change in circumstances BUT we must also see from his perspective that the partner he knew and loved isn’t always there anymore.

Remembering that you want to be the people you each fell in love with and bringing yourself back to your husband (to the extent that you can in your new role as a moms helps it feel less unfair that you take the initial step to help the marriage.

Think positively about your partner

Training your brain to have more positive thoughts about your husband and your marriage is going to help your outlook on life. Thinking positively is something that only you can do, but it instantly and drastically changes the way you perceive everything going on around you.

Instead of thinking “Ugh my man-child going to play video games again?” you can think “I’m glad he’s doing something he loves doing to unwind – now I have time for myself to relax a bit.”

This is something you can do that is going to give you instant reward for YOU (it stops the spiral of negative thoughts that lead you to anger and resentment) and in turn improves your marriage.

Appreciate the wins

When you’re feeling bitter for having to be the one to lift the relationship back up, try to focus your attention on noticing your wins.

Maybe it’s a laugh you both share one evening, or that you catch yourself being more forgiving in your thoughts about your husband, or he clears the table after dinner without being asked.

These wins may seem tiny to begin with, but they add up! The more you notice them, the more you can start to feel like your efforts are working, which will make you feel like an absolute superhero.

Remember that your efforts ultimately benefits YOU

If you find yourself struggling to find reasons why you should continue making an effort, remind yourself that the effort your making is going to help YOU in the end.

Yes, you want your marriage to be strong and your husband to be content and your kids to see what a great marriage looks like and yada yada. But remember that YOU are going to benefit every day from being in a relationship filled with laughter, teamwork, and joy. Life is just better that way!

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When is “unfair” too much?

You have to be a bit patient with your quest to save your marriage and give it consistent and heart-felt effort. Try every tip and trick. Give it some time to become natural for you and for your husband to notice that you are being a superhero.

If after every attempt with every tip in the book and over a period of a few weeks or months you are not noticing any change in your partner, your marriage, or how you personally are feeling, it may be time to either take the next steps and seek professional intervention, or to consider if your marriage really can rebound.

If the case is that your marriage has come to an end, you can rest easily knowing that you did EVERYTHING you could, but that some people or marriages just can’t be saved. Accept that there is nothing more you could do and still feel like the bad ass superhero you are for your valiant attempt!

Activate those super powers!

Are you ready, mama?

Don’t spend another day waiting for your marriage to magically get better as your kids grow older and you and your husband grow further apart. Take charge of your life and get the marriage you want and deserve.

Become your marriage superhero today!

This article is part of the series How to Revive Your Marriage After Kids Fundamental 1: Have a Constructive Attitude.

About me

Hi, I’m Bailee! I am a mom just like you who, after having my second baby, was struggling BIG TIME to cope with motherhood and marriage. Divorce seemed like the inevitable option until I decided to fight for the family life that I truly wanted.

I challenged my husband to give our marriage one more go and was able to pull us out of the abyss. With a change in my mindset and some other handy tools and tricks along the way, I brought us back into the light of a happy marriage with kids.

Now I am here now to help you do the same! Are you ready, mama? Learn more.