Emotional Love Tanks: The Secrets to Happy Marriages for Busy Moms
Learn about your emotional love tank, speaking love languages, and why being “in love” is bogus! Understanding these principles will help you get into the right mindset to totally revive your marriage after having kids!
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When you question if you’re “in love” anymore
Those hot and bothered, head over heels in-love feelings you had with your husband at the start of your relationship tend to morph into a different sense of warm and fuzzy love over time, and sometimes you may long for the passion and romance you had in the early days.
Add a needy baby, a cocktail of hormones, a little stress, and a lot of responsibility into the mix and sometimes those loving feelings get overshadowed completely and you may feel void of any love for your partner at all. Instead of your best friend, your husband becomes your worst enemies at worst or a roommate at best.
Learn how you can actively bring the warm fuzzies and maybe even a little passionate love back into your marriage with the concepts from Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages!
Key concepts from The 5 Love Languages every parent needs to understand
Many of you may have heard of the love languages already, but the love languages themselves are actually only one of three super important concepts Chapman identifies that we mommies need to understand:
- Being “in love” inevitably fades while “love” endures (if we work for it).
- We all have “love tanks” that need to be filled and that we need to fill for our partners.
- We all interpret love in our own unique “love language.”
Bonus concept
I actually have another concept to add on to Chapman’s that is specific to parent couples like you:
4. Every parent has a temporary “parenting love language” that trumps all the others in the early years of their kids’ lives.
Breaking down The 5 Love Languages concepts
Understanding these concepts is vital for setting up your happy marriage mindset and succeeding at reviving your marriage.
Let’s dive in, shall we?
1. Being in love and love are not the same
One of the main points from the book that is often overshadowed but that is arguably the most important to grasp is that there is a difference between “love” and “being in love,” and that all we need is “love.”
Now to break that down.
“Love” is the feeling of being supported, understood, cared for, appreciated, and generally happy. We all need love to propel us forward as humans.
“In love,” on the other hand, is the temporary rush of infatuation we feel with our partners in the beginning of our relationships. Inevitably, being in love fades.
In love is a fleeting feeling
When you first start dating your husband – long before weddings and kids – you find yourself head over heels in love. You are caught up in your obsession with this new person and the happiness that he brings to your life. You could live on this cloud of romantic warm fuzzies forever.
Fast forward a few years and add a few kids into the equation and for most couples that loving feeling is just a fond memory.
This may leave many a momwife wondering why she bothers to stay in her marriage.
Isn’t this crazy little thing called love supposed to make us feel shaken to our cores whenever we look at our husbands? Why, then, do we instead find ourselves looking at our husbands and thinking “that idiot left his wet towel on the floor again!”
Chapman explains that science has proven that our little in-love bubbles burst after approximately 2 years together and then the real deal takes over if we choose it: love.
Love is a choice
Let’s refresh. Love is the essential human emotion of feeling affection, safety, intimacy, and all together goodness that we all need to be happy.
Chapman argues that this is a love you choose to bestow upon your partner. It takes committed effort to love another person in this way. It doesn’t just come naturally despite all of the fairytales you’ve been told about happily ever afters off in the sunset.
You must choose to give your love to your husband, and when you do, your husband will return that love to you.
It may not be the crazy, passionate, all-engrossing in-love bliss that you felt in the beginning, but it can still give you all of the warm fuzzies you need to be happy.
We mamas need to understand that love takes a little work sometimes. We must take responsibility for actively bringing love into our relationships.
It might not be as romantic as the movies would have you believe, but consistent effort will make you a strong and happy couple if you can choose to rise up to the challenge.
2. Fill up each others’ emotional love tanks
Everyone has a “love tank,” which is an imaginary gas tank or cup or whatever vessel you want to imagine that needs to be filled up with love in order for you to be happy in your relationship.
If your love tank isn’t full, then your ability to contribute in a positive way to your relationship dwindles and you become a grumpy, fight-picking version of yourself.
This is particularly relevant for moms.
You are so busy taking care of your little humans and keeping the house clean and working and whatever else. . . that you don’t always notice the love in your love tanks draining out slowly.
Suddenly you find yourself running on empty and snapping at your husband for not loading the dishwasher correctly (but really, how hard can it be, guys?).
Keep the emotional love tank full
You need to be aware of the love tank and make an active effort to keep each others’ tanks full.
Don’t freak out if this seems like yet another thing that you as a mom need to stay on top of in your already busy day.
Keeping your partner’s love tank full does not take a ton of effort and the benefit that you gain from it is tenfold what you put in.
A husband with a full love tank is happier and more willing to help out. He pays attention to you and your needs. He makes you laugh and feel good instead of nitpicking or putting you down. You will stress less and enjoy more. Your kids will respond better to their parents’ happy moods.
3. Speak your partner’s love language
The main gist of Chapman’s groundbreaking theory is that everyone “speaks” a different love language in the same way that they speak their mother tongue. We have a way of feeling and expressing love, but that way may not be (and often isn’t) the same way that our partners express or feel love.
That can make it difficult for us to understand when our husbands are showing us love, much in the same way it would be difficult for us to understand if they were speaking to us in a foreign language.
Similarly, our husband may interpret love differently than we do, so despite our darndest attempts, he may not feel our love unless we are “speaking his language.”
The five primary love languages
How do you “speak his language?” Well first you need to learn what language your husband speaks. Here are the languages:
- Quality Time
Someone with the Quality Time language likes doing things together with her partner and having her partner’s undivided attention and interest. She needs to feel that her partner truly enjoys her company. - Physical Touch
Someone with the Physical Touch love language needs to have lots of physical contact in order to feel loved. She need kisses, hand-holding, hugging, etc. to feel the love with her partner. - Words of Affirmation
A Words of Affirmation-er feels most loved when her partner tells her so with words. She feels most loved when her partner expresses gratitude, provides compliments, and tells her how much she is loved. - Receiving Gifts
Someone with the Receiving Gifts love language feels most loved when her partner showers her with heartfelt and thoughtful gifts. She feels loved when her husband comes home with “just because” flowers or buys her favorite candy he saw passing by a store because it made him think of her. - Acts of Service
Someone with the Acts of Service love language feels loved when her partner does things for her or for the good of their family. She feels most loved when her partner takes the after-dinner clean-up when she’s tired or her partner does a project around the house because he knows it will make he will bring her joy to have it done.
Want to find out your love language? Take this free quiz.
Once you’ve discovered your husband’s love language, you should find ways daily to show him that you love him using their language, not yours! Learn more about how to show your husband you love him in his specific language by checking out The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
4. Speak your partner’s “parenting love language”
In addition to the usual love languages, I believe there are two specific love languages – one for men and one for women – that overshadow all of the others in the early days of becoming a parent couple.
Read more to learn your parenting love language.
Love is all you need!
Are you ready, mama?
Don’t spend another day waiting for your marriage to magically get better as your kids grow older and you and your husband grow further apart. Take charge of your life and get the marriage you want and deserve.
Get filling up those love tanks today!
This article is part of the series How to Revive Your Marriage After Kids Fundamental 1: Have a Constructive Attitude.
About me
Hi, I’m Bailee! I am a mom just like you who, after having my second baby, was struggling BIG TIME to cope with motherhood and marriage. Divorce seemed like the inevitable option until I decided to fight for the family life that I truly wanted.
I challenged my husband to give our marriage one more go and was able to pull us out of the abyss. With a change in my mindset and some other handy tools and tricks along the way, I brought us back into the light of a happy marriage with kids.
Now I am here now to help you do the same! Are you ready, mama? Learn more.
