Do you feel like you and your husband don’t have anything in common after having kids? Let’s take a deep dive into how you can discover your shared interests in your marriage again. Reconnect and get your commonality back on track!

What is commonality in your relationship

Commonality is a fancy way of saying stuff you have in common – your shared interests.

Usually these are the things that you parse out during your first couple of dates. What are your hobbies? What do you like to do? What music do you listen to?

We try to find that perfect someone who checks at least some of the boxes for things that also interest us. And when you find someone who makes you laugh and has a decent checklist – ding ding ding – you have a winner!

So you lock that bad boy down and put a ring on it so you and your now-husband can spend your lives together in blissful happiness doing all of those things together that you both love.

Commonality – YES!

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And then you have kids . . .

Feeling like you have nothing in common

As you and your husband get sucked into the warp of parenthood, you may start to notice that all of those cool hobbies and interests that you had before kids start slowly slipping away.

Suddenly you don’t have time to do much of anything together, and when you do have time, you probably gravitate towards your own personal interests – the things that fulfill you most, not necessarily the things that you and your partner share.

And, after having kids, your interests may have changed drastically. Perhaps you both enjoyed going out to the bars before having kids, but post-baby you’d much rather just curl up in bed with a good book. Or you both enjoyed sky diving, but that isn’t the most responsible activity for a new parent anymore.

You may find yourself looking at your husband and thinking the dreaded “we don’t have anything in common anymore.”

Having conversations may begin to feel awkward because you don’t have natural topics to talk about and when you spend time together, you may resort to the same boring activities that don’t particularly interest either of you.

When you get to this point, you may begin to question whether you and your husband are even still compatible partners. That checklist you had back when you were dating is starting to look pretty empty. Why should you be together if you don’t have any shared interests anymore?

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Finding commonality again

Trust me, your marriage is not worth giving up on just because you don’t feel like you have anything in common anymore.

In fact, I would venture to bet that there a several things you still DO have in common once you start digging in a little deeper.

If there is a foundation of love and friendship in your marriage (even if it’s hidden under the responsibility of parenting), then there is always room for you and your husband to find commonality in your relationship again.

You have more in common than you probably think

I bet I can make a list right now of things that you and your husband have in common and how you can capitalize on turning that into a fun interest that fuels your relationship:

1. Your kids – You will always have your kids in common no matter what! Finding ways to spend fun, quality time together with your kids, or talking about all of the crazy things they do, who they might be when they grow up, etc. is a great way to find commonality in your marriage. Just be sure to integrate keeping it light and fun and don’t get bogged down by the practical side of parenting in every conversation.
2. Your home – You both share interest in making your home as comfortable a base for your family as possible. Maybe you disagree about what paint color to put on the living room wall, or you would rather have tiles where your husband wants hardwood, but you both have the same interest in making your home homey. Hone in on that and see where you can agree or compromise, and make your home a shared project.
3. Your city – Your city probably offers tons of things to do or talking points which are of interest to you and your husband. Maybe you can gossip about all of your nosy neighbors or you can plan to check out a different park each weekend with your kids. Getting to know your hometown and finding ways to enjoy it together can be something you both have in common.

See? Without even knowing you I can find 3 things that you and your husband have in common. Just imagine if you kept and open mind and started digging in even deeper to find even more shared interests!

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Enjoy trying new things together

Speaking of enjoying new things, that is in itself an amazing way to spend time together with your husband when you don’t feel like you have anything in common.

The interest of “trying new things” is one that most of us inherently have. Trying new things is fun and exciting and pushes us out of our normal routines. We may have an idea that thing we are trying will suck beforehand, but we do it anyway because there’s that chance we may be pleasantly surprised.

Take advantage of this for you and your husband and prioritize trying new things together when you have quality time.

A great way to do this that I highly recommend is to have at-home date nights. You can spend your evenings together right from your living room without having to worry about a babysitter or a hefty budget and try fun, crazy new things together.

Break out your kids’ finger paints and use your bodies to make a work of art. Grab some NERF guns and play capture the flag. Watch videos on Youtube to learn how to do card tricks.

When you are open to trying new things together, you suddenly have a lot in common by just having fun trying out new hobbies, interests, or just wacky pastimes!

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Get talking

Perhaps your commonality has dwindled because you and your husband don’t really spend much time talking together anymore. You therefore don’t really know each other enough in this stage of your marriage to know if you have things in common.

Open up and spend some more time talking!

You may be thinking that this feels awkward when you don’t have anything in common to talk about. In that case, I recommend talking about things that are completely random and silly!

This opens up the gateway to talking more and more about deeper topics and helps you get on track to knowing each other a little better again – to feel like friends again and not just two ships passing in the night.

Find some great conversation starters and topics that always work to get you talking with the article 45+ Fun Conversation Ideas for Married Couples With Kids To Get Your Husband Talking.

Embracing your own interests is OK

It’s also important that you have your own interests that are separate from your husband’s. No one is expecting you to only like the things that he likes or spend all of your time doing things together with your husband.

Having your own hobbies and interests makes you, well, interesting! It makes you the YOU that you are.

And remember that your husband fell in love with YOU based on the fact that you were an interesting person with a background, life, and hobbies all of your own at the time that you met. The package that makes you YOU is what drew him to you in the first place.

It’s OK if your interests have changed since then, but finding the things that make you unique outside of your role as a wife and mother is perfectly OK and encouraged!

Keep yourself interesting to keep your inner self alive and to keep your relationship exciting.

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Showing interest in your husband’s hobbies

When you have your own interests, it’s only fair that your husband does, too.

You don’t have to share a deep interest in everything your husband does, but supporting him in his hobbies and having a general knowledge about them is really going to help your connection (just like you would expect of him for your hobbies!).

Ask him questions or have him explain some of the nuances of his interest to you. Listen to him play his new songs on his guitar. Watch him play that video game for 5 minutes here and there. Compliment the delicious wine he specifically selected as a pairing to your dinner.

You can support and be a part of your husband’s hobbies and interests without having to completely submerse yourself in them yourself. This is a great way to increase your bond together while still maintaining your own individuality.

Think outside the box: interests you might share

When you think of things you have in common, you might think of your pre-baby hobbies like playing tennis, or how you have nothing in common anymore, like how you both have completely opposite ideas of how you think you should be spending a Sunday morning (you having brunch with the kids vs. your husband passed out in the bed).

But if you start to get a little more creative and think outside the box, you may find there are lots of ways that you and your husband can reconnect with shared interests.

Here are some ideas:

• Start a thrilling series together
• Take turns making and playing playlists for different themes
• Learn Spanish on Duolingo together
• Plan a weekend vacation
• Play Pokemon Go on a long walk
• Snap artsy photos of your kids
• Learn to play guitar together

Once you start expanding your horizons and seeing the plethora of different hobbies and interests that exist, you can begin to see how you and your husband can incorporate them into your quality time in a way that makes sense for you both.

Commonality restored!

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Let’s get interested!

Are you ready, mama?

Don’t spend another day waiting for your marriage to magically get better as your kids grow older and you and your husband grow further apart. Take charge of your life and get the marriage you want and deserve.

Get your commonality back today!

This article is part of the series How to Revive Your Marriage After Kids Fundamental 2: Have More Fun.

About me

Hi, I’m Bailee! I am a mom just like you who, after having my second baby, was struggling BIG TIME to cope with motherhood and marriage. Divorce seemed like the inevitable option until I decided to fight for the family life that I truly wanted.

I challenged my husband to give our marriage one more go and was able to pull us out of the abyss. With a change in my mindset and some other handy tools and tricks along the way, I brought us back into the light of a happy marriage with kids.

Now I am here now to help you do the same! Are you ready, mama? Learn more.